Smoking and Pregnancy Don't Mix!

Dear Stupid Pregnant Woman in the Elevator,

Not only did you violate commandment 3 & 7 of my "The 10 Commandments of Elevator Riding" but you are also violating LIFE. I am appalled and disgusted that you are smoking while pregnant. Let me break this down for you: Smoking and pregnancy don't mix.

Cigarettes contain dangerous chemicals, including nicotine, carbon monoxide, and tar. It has been proven that smoking significantly increases the risk of numerous pregnancy complications, some of which can lead to miscarriage and stillbirth.

And you made it my business when you walked into the elevator, smelling like an ashtray and complaining that you feel a "little out of breathe". NOT SHIT SHERLOCK! And the way you reacted to my advice shows me not only that you are an uneducated creature but also the epitome of a dumb-ass ignorant bitch.

Kind Regards,
A Simaratin passing by.
aka
Me

Flush The Damn Toilet!

Dear Employee,

I don't understand why you struggle with the concept of "flushing the toilet" and "washing your hands"!  It's pretty simple. Let me explain it to you...

Flushing The Toilet

Once your done finishing your business (and I don't mean answering emails on the smartphone), it is expected of you to wipe then press that large shinning silver knob/button hanging against the cubicle wall behind you. Once you do that, a waterfall inside the toilet will wash your stomach sins away into the tunnel of a thousand tales.

Washing Your Hands 

Now for part two of your lesson; washing your hands, you must proceed to the water basin after you have successful flushed, turn the tap on and in circular motions, scrub your hands together under the faucet with the soap you will attain from the dispenser hanging next to the basin (do I need to explain how to use the soap dispenser too?). This action will cleanse away the stress of all the hard work that happened previously in the cubicle. (again, by work i don't mean business, if you know what I am saying).

Finally, under no circumstance, should you ever engage in touching me after leaving the cubicle and not washing your hands, unless you want to be sucker punched in the face. So, FLUSH the freaking toilet because I am sick of waking into the toilets with waste waiting there to greet me. Kind of a “Hello, you need to flush me before you use me” situation.

Kind Regards

Your HR

The 10 Commandments of Elevator Riding

Let me start this off by saying that I am not fan of stepping into tightly confined spaces that are sealed by impossible-to-open doors with bedraggled strangers. It's a traumatizing experience that I endure every day. My experience tends to be even more distressful because there are quite a few people in this world who are completely oblivious about BASIC COMMON CURTSY.

You know who I am talking about. These are the people who barge into a jam-packed elevator while 15 people are struggling to get off, or stand in the elevator doorway chatting on their phone, totally unmindful to their surroundings.

Therefore, in an attempt to keep my sanity and stay out of  mental institutions, I've assembled a list that I'm calling “The 10 Commandments of Elevator Riding” to educate and train the public on common curtsy.

Here goes:

1. If you are waiting to board the elevator make sure you wait until everyone is done exiting FIRST. Stand goddamn clear of the door and move out of the way. You are allowed to be punched in the face if you stand there puzzled like an idiot.
2.  If the elevator is full, do not try and squeeze your fat maximus gluteus into the elevator. If you are not a midget, and cannot fit in the leg space under the knees, wait for the NEXT elevator or use the goddamn stairs. 
3.  If you have smoked a cigarette or you are a chain smoker with clothes that smell like an ash tray in a trailer park, take the stairs! Your smell infects everyone with lung cancer. That’s a scientific fact.
4.  If there is a small army of people waiting for the elevator, do not get in and immediately hit the "door close" button, you ass****!!!!  
5.  If you bathe yourself in coconut oil, cheap Karma aftershave or don’t shower before you go to work, take the stairs to prevent everyone’s breakfast from resurfacing out onto the elevator floor.
6.  If you accidentally bump into another passenger, APOLOGIZE!! ASIANS, please note that touching is considered inappropriate and personal space isn't a figment of imagination. If someone is moving away to avoid touching you, that is NOT an invitation for you to come closer and occupy that space.
7.  If you are on the phone, get off the goddamn phone before you get into the elevator. You’re on a conference call? NO ONE CARES, JUST SHUT UP. No one wants to hear about your crappy client meeting, or your awesome weekend at Barasti. We just want to go up. Or down, so STFU!!
8.  If there are other people in the elevator, do not hold the door for your coworker/friend who is 60 seconds away with ten piping hot skinny-mocha-lattes from Costa. How dare you make us wait like our time isn't precious just because you don’t want to be bothered taking another elevator. Also, the emergency stop button is for emergencies only. Never hit this button for any personal reasons, like your skinny-latte friend!!
9.  If you work on the 1^st-5^th floor, take the goddamn the stairs. The only excuses you have for taking the elevator up one floor is if you’re old, disabled or carrying a duffel bag of concrete bricks. Even then, you should take the service elevator. Fat isn't a valid excuse, take the stairs, you need the exercise!
10. If you need to butt sneeze, there is a trillion places to let that gas flutter in to space with minimal impact. Do not leave your stinker for future elevator passengers. You disgusting honker!

Well, there you have it. I could go on and on but let me know if I missed anything....

Toilet Pregnancy

Dear Employee,

Please check that the stalls are empty when you start discussing how to keep your pregnancy a secret from the company whist in the toilet. 

Sincerely, Your Head of HR ( in the toilet stall) !

The Dear Employees Series

A year or so ago, I started a series of Facebook statuses that reflected my uncensored views on awkward, baffling and insanely weird situations that I encounter daily in my role as the Head of  Human Resource.  This mini series of frustrated and highly sarcastic rants have gained tremendous popularity among my friends and have been the topic of discussion during many dinners and catch-up sessions.  

I will now dedicate a section of my blog to the "Dear Employee" series, because the preposterous situations I go through can not go undocumented.

DISCLAIMER: This is a humor blog (based on true events). If any of the content offends you, then lighten up because the writer (i.e. Me) doesn't really care. Thank you.